i’m wondering this morning, Lord. Wondering where You are? Who You are? And what, in fact, it means that YOU ARE (by way of participl’ing “I AM”). I’m wondering what it would mean to “be with” You. To be with I AM. To engage with YOU ARE. Can I? Should I? Are you worth the risk? Am I worth the right?

“I will come and heal You. But truly, truly I say to you, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”

born…but I was born—am born—what does it look like to be born again?

“In order to be born, you must be willing to die. To let go. To go back. In order to be born, you must be willing to leave what you see. To loose what you understand as living. To lose control. To lose power. Leadership. Destiny. Destination. Security. Entitlement. Balance. Structure. Safety. Solidarity. In order to be born, you must be willing to Trust—to take assurance in things hoped for, and surrender to that which you cannot see. To that which is Me.”

but who are you?

I AM.
Keep faithing. I AM coming. That is what I do.

what does that look like? how do I live?

“When you lose the world, you gain the Truth. When you let go of the seen, you see the unseen. You see that I am here. You see that I am He. You see.
You find what you were made for. You learn what you are worth.
Become like a child. Let me raise you. I have food to eat that you could not conceive. I have roads for your life that astonish your deepest dream.
I want to lead you. I want to let you. I want to Father your heart.
I wonder if you will let Me?
I wonder.”

***

“When the woman saw that she had not escaped his notice, she came trembling and fell down before Him, and declared in the presence of all the people the reason why she had touched Him, and how she had been immediately healed. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”

My iPod is blaring tunes from, "Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot," compliments of Sting. Problem is, if I let my soul be my guide today, I'm going down. Further down. Further in. And I'm scared to death.

I've never felt this vulnerable. Exposed. Raw. Without bearings. I've never felt like such a child...such an infant, really. I am sad. I am angry. All I want to do is be held. All I know to say is, "Help me."

I woke this morning asking God what prayer was? Who He was? How in the world I got on this Journey? How in the world my surface interactions with it/Him have kept me in the game? There have been external professions and promises and heights of jubilation. But there has lacked an inward journey. There has lacked a soul willing to be piloted inward. Or a Pilot, with a soul willing to go inward.

This new place of surrender is overwhelming and uncomfortable and beyond anything I've ever known. I'm scared I won't come back. I'm scared I wasn't anywhere to start with.

To be honest, the Lentin season didn't do much for me. I justified it by saying I recognize Jesus' saving death and resurrection every day. Why should I feel a compulsion to join cultural Christianity's holiday recognition (even though the Easter bunny perk is pretty tempting...joke)? What's been striking though, is how much the post-Easter week has brought to my attention. What would this week look like were we one of Jesus' disciples? How would it feel to 'know' now that his Story was true, but to embark on a telling of that Story to the world? To your neighbors, family, enemies? Would you quit your job? Go to the mountains to pray? Would you schedule a meeting to create a strategy, or come-up with a church name? Would you cry that he was gone...begging his willingness to return? Or maybe cry in joy that he was here...allowing life as you now know it to truly be Life?

For me, I think I'd be overwhelmed. I think I am overwhelmed. The cost has been paid...the "proof" laid before us. But now the question is can we believe? Are we willing to follow? The Journey has been paved before us. The journey to the end in some ways, but the journey to the beginning in many others. What does it look like, why does it hurt so bad, and how long will it last? How much further down can we travel, God? How much further in can we bear? Why must we go? And to where, O Lord, is it that You're going?

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” Luke 9:23-24

Lead me, Father. Hold me. I want to come after you, but I know not the way. I need You. Help me.