You might think serving orphaned babies in Africa would make you feel better about yourself. Maybe even give you a “free pass” for the next year’s worth of “service.” I’ve not found that the case. Rather, I’ve found that as the silt settles in my ever going stream of life, and the noises quiet in my every going stream of living, I’m seeing more clearly the realities of my life, my living. I’m seeing more clearly the realities of me. And in case you’re curious, it’s not usually something to write home about.

*I’ve seen my motivations more readily. When you wake in the morning and the ‘only’ thing you ‘have’ to do is spend time with pint-sized angels, and you don’t want to, you start dialing Houston.
*I’ve seen how caring for ‘me’ wins-out when up against danger, fatigue, greed, or desire, in terms of caring for ‘you.’ I’ve seen that in a mass of people, I’m in it for my survival, not yours.
*I’ve seen how not seeing a mirror is suitable on some days, but makes me want to see, analyze and (most likely) criticize myself even more.
*I’ve seen how much guilt I carry. I woke this morning feeling guilty about a B+ last semester. “I don’t get B+’s; I get A’s.” For one, that was two months ago, Abbie. For 2) It’s a grade, and you need to get over it. And for 3) You better get over it fast, cause you’re starting to feel guilty about feeling the guilt in the first place. Guilt pervades my days more than I like to admit. Whether I’ve done/said/eaten/worked/spent/thought/tried/lied/excused/served/escaped/heard/hid or handled too much or too little, I’ll find a way to feel guilty about it—not intentionally, per se, but subconsciously. It’s like there’s this dermis of guilt waiting for any fresh, or fermenting, pustule to begin patronizing me with. When I buy into guilt, I buy into culture. And when I buy into culture, the Cross will never be enough. There’s always another rung, a newer standard, or a reasonable rational as to why I should, or shouldn’t, ____. Guilt says to Jesus, “I don’t get what you meant by, “It is finished…You are free…There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…etc. Would you mind reenacting the Cross experience?”
*I’ve seen how “on-paper,” attempting a “good Christian life” of serving, going to church, reading the Bible, or what have you, must be uncovering before they can be freeing—and I don’t know about your morning rituals, but when I have to come out from the covers in the morning, it’s usually not the most comfortable, or enjoyable, aspect of my day. Disciplines, rituals, serving, attendances, or what have you, will never be satisfying in and of themselves, and rather, often bring guilt and added neediness to do more. They are just the means. The person of God and the trust of His gentle and good uncovering must be my end. Or I will never be satisfied.

Leo Tolstoy said, “Man’s whole life is a continual contradiction of what he knows to be his duty.” My duty here is no different than my duty “at home,” there, or anywhere. And it would be a gross understatement to say the poverty here is necessarily beyond compare from the States, India, or even my backyard. Let me qualify that by saying the reference to poverty there is not just outward. Rather, and more so, even, I’m referencing inward poverties. Poverties of the human being, not just the human. Jesus said, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it. What will it benefit a man if he gains the whole world yet loses his life? Or what will a man get in exchange for his life?” Here’s what I’m starting to see—losing my life “for the world” is just as fruitless as losing my life period. It’s just as meaningless as toiling after temporal things for all my days on earth, only to reach the end and ask, “What is it that I really did, for even my greatest legacy fails on its/his/her best day. Will anything I did ‘actually’ last?”

The answer for me this morning is “no,” unless that anything takes backdrop against an eternal provision of Christ, himself. What would that look like though? Maybe John 15.3-5? —“You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you (forgiven, loved, justified, …). Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because ‘you can do nothing without me.’” Or Philippians 2.13? —“So then, my dear friends, just as you have always obeyed, not only in my presence, but now even more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For ‘it is God’ who is working in you, enabling you both to will and to act for His good purpose.” Or maybe 2 Corinthians 4.17-18? —“Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but is unseen is eternal.” (continued)