Dallas Willard says, “Once we see what people are prepared to do, the wonder ceases to be that they occasionally do gross evils and becomes that they do not do them more often. We become deeply thankful that something is restraining us, keeping us from fully doing what lies in our hearts…This sharp, heartbreaking realization of our condition silences all argument and hair-splitting rationalization” (The Spirit of the Disciplines, p. 227). Ironically, following Jesus seems to begin when I stop trying to make it begin. When I start finding the will to admit my will as jacked-up and only Thy will as actually prevailing. Furthermore, when I start being okay with this jacked-up’edness and not wearing its guilt as my fault, or yours, but as the product of a fallen world and preliminary start-point for a wound in need of a Savior. Maybe the Christian life starts to exist when I’m willing to surrender to the fact that I can’t do it.

(Post-script: Swear to God, after writing these thoughts this morning, I went to Mama Lois’s church and the Pastor taught on John 15, referencing the vine, branches and what it means to “abide in God.” He explained it like an orange, with the sweetness being inside the fruit, but how often we linger in, or even outside, the skin. We’re scared to go through the process of peeling and being peeled back by God, unknowing of the fact that true life waits inside. I liked this picture. And with Precious asleep on my lap at this point, I felt like I understood abiding in the Vine for the first time. Embracing the rest of my Maker’s arms is the greatest call and communion I will and was designed to reach. Knowing my position as God’s daughter is to know me, to know Him and to know Life everlasting.)